some folks are having a hard time finding the wild onion... what would you give as directions on how to get here?!?!?
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41 comments:
Take a right at the massage parlor, three doors down on the left. Look for the pink tricycle parked outside.
excellent! does the massage parlor offer the happy ending package?
"Go that way. Really fast. If something gets in your way, turn."
*wonders why megan is using her middle finger to point north*
excellent! does the massage parlor offer the happy ending package?
Doesn't every good story have a happy ending?
It's in Malibu, right? Okay, so as you're traveling west on Sunset, make a right at the ocean or you'll drive right into the damn water. Head north till you reach that little shopping center on the left with Gelson's Supermarket and all the pretty little shops. "Happy Endings Massage Therapy" is right next to Gelson's and the Wild Onion is just a few doors down. In fact it's sandwiched between Starbucks and Crabtree & Evelyn. We're easy to find, but if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call us at 914-696-9696 for additional information. (This is not the time to discuss why my PPT is parked outside.)
Hope to see you soon!!!
XO Blottie ;)
P.S. Sorry boys, the massage therapy shop is legit. If you want the smutty stuff you'll have to beg Cece to open a room in the back. Poof, it's there. *Eyes roll back in head.* Why? Because this is a family establishment and we're in a respectable neighborhood. How many times do I have to remind the two of you, THIS IS NOT A GIN JOINT DAMNIT!!!???
Megan, you're directions are funny!
Bob, you almost got it. Why do you encourage IV? Does it appear he needs encouragement?
XO
Can we be next to a Dunkin' Donuts instead of Starbucks?
Okay, Dunkin' Donuts.
Nice, I'll have an extra large, with milk and two sugars!
Do I have to get that for you? Bob, I don't run office errands. If I do, that's like $20/hour extra, plus a tip. I want the money up front. My tip is 50% of the total bill. Here honey, let's make it easy, I'll just take the whole wallet. No, you were never going to get out of this with your pants on because your wallet was in the back pocket.
XO
Take off all your clothes. Lie down on the floor. Close your eyes. Let the Onion come to you.
At least that was what I was told.
*Steps on something soft*
Trips over something hard.
One can always count on the Northwest for good wood. (What?! You guys set me up for this silliness. Brian and I have a history, so I can get away with that. Right Mr. CSI?)
Brian, seriously, it's so good to have you here. You were so busy studying for that damn test you never got to enjoy 'Brian's Cafe,' but here you finally are at the Wild Onion. Thank God. I'm looking down at you you know? Yup, looking at all naked, sleeping 6 feet of beauty. Wow. "Leah, Cece, Megan, Kylie, RC, Robyn, Gig, et al...look at what God brought us!!!"
But can it speak?
Megan,
I don't know.
Not yet.
Does it matter?
Wow, a Haiku!
Still lookin'. Yummm~eeeeeeeeeeeee! I hope the crumbs from my Dunkin' Donut don't nestle in his belly button.
The Onion also happens to be near exit 23 on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, but once you get off there and turn onto Hamilton, it's all about prayer.
The Onion is located on a floating cloud hovering above the head of each and everyone of us. To get here simply reach down and press your computer's start button, turn left on the information highway until you get to Bloggerland, and then use your imagination to get the rest of the way.
Just tell them to go straight to hell. That is the fastest way.
I'm on RC's route.....I recently paved the road for a smooth trip in my personally monogrammed hand-basket.
Of course you could take I-10 east or 95 south and the Onion is anywhere you want along the way.
i always thought that the onion was half past the monkeys ass....
now a person can understand why folks have such a hard time getting here...
I think I followed IV's pointy stink-finger over here. It's nice. How did IV know about it?
Anyway, I found it ok.
That Guy! Stay away from IV's finger...who knows where it has been. Maybe in a cat's butt? (see the post before this one to find out what I'm talking about).
Eek!
It's 4(A.K.A. BEER):30
This kid kneeds (oh, I spelled it correctly) a beer!
Have a great knight.
Fine, I'll stop.
I'll tell you a funny story about how IV found the Wild Onion. A long, long time ago we found ourselves at 1Pic. Oh we loved him so. The photos, the words, we were blessed. Then one day 1Pic up and went away. Not a word. Not a single explanation, he just went away and left us all in pain. What do you do with that? None of us knew. So we just winged it. The Wild Onion is a collection of people who followed 1Pic. We've moved way beyond him at this point, and that's a good thing, but we've never moved beyond one another. We adore one another to death. And that will never change. Never. Why? Because we're connected. I know they're all smiling. I know.
XO
I never knew 1Pic. I showed up here because the beer was cheap. Then Cece made me bartender and chief bottle washer, so I stayed.
And Just Bob, so you should.
You belong and the hug is so huge. We love you so much. I don't think there is a single soul here who would say 1Pic didn't break our heart. He did, you know. But we all moved on.
Aw, that's sad. *Cries into beer*
Is it Friday yet? *Cries some more*
No, it isn't Friday. My computer says it's Thursday, 2:47 to be exact. Why am I up? Because I fell asleep early. My day begins. I feel as if it should be accompanied by that hockey video a few posts back.
Megan, for God sakes, don't cry into that beer. It's micro brew. It took a lot of effort to make, and Just Bob paid a lot for it. Please don't water it down. Here honey, a tissue. I only buy the best (Puffs Plus Altra) because a nose is worth it. It has Aloe.
You still here Boo? Oh, I see you were here at 8pm. Wuss. Wow, not a single soul in this joint. Unlockes PPT from rack and rides happily around The Wild Onion.
;)
I get around. I was just at Cece and realize Gig was possibly here last night. Gig. Knock it off. Where are you? *Sits on Macy's sofa with some sort of lemoney thing waiting for the Queen to arrive.* Don't make me eat breakfast alone. Leah, is the oatmeal on?
G'morning...at a REASONABLE hour.
*hands over some coffee in lieu of Anchor Steam. For now, at least...
*steps out of secret back room, waves to some unseen people in hidden area, replaces panel in wall and and staggers up to bar reeking (yet again) of vanilla musk and vodka*
i'll have a screwdriver, make it a double... i got to goto work!
suz, i was never on pic whatever it was... id tell you you how i got here but then id have to kill you!
IV that was me you were waving to! I have to keep up appearances, yo! Coffee!? Puh-lease...
*shakes up one of my famous Bloody Larrys
thanks for trying to cover for me that guy, but those are russian strippers in the back room. want the password?
passWORD? I thought it was a passACT.
*drops pants to show how I got in earlier
*sees that "that guy" knows the secret shake to gain entrance to the back door*
excellent...
*pours self another double screwdriver for the road*
*performs intricate secret handshake with IV flawlessly despite the coffee and bloody larry buzz.
*inner voices zips his pants back up after the secret shake with that guy and both enter back room with fists full of drinks and five dollar bills*
This is weird dude.
All these Russian hookers I mean.
Dearest Zack,
You know they don't come back to read this crap, so it's just you and me honey, cuz I know you do!!!
You weren't on 1 Pics blog? Hummmmmmmmmm. Where the hell'd you come from? CSI's? I remember the first day I met you because after looking at your blog I said out loud, "HOLY SHIT!" And then we bantered back and forth about linking to you (you had already linked to me). I told you "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" It took a good 4-6 weeks to get the courage to finally link and look where we are today. I'm more open minded and I no longer have a blog roll after accidently deleting that MF!!!
You know how that happened? I was so pissed at CSI after my car accident (oh, I know you remember!) that I wanted to erase him from my memory, so when Blogger asked if I wanted to delete, I replied "YOU BET YOUR ASS I DO!!!" and hit the button. And poof, my whole blog roll was gone. I'm such a knee-jerk reaction jack-ass, oh and I should also mention, I didn't read the instructions. F****** Blogger. Do you know how long it took me to get that damn thing together? Months.
What a waste of the delete button. CSI and I are all lovie-dovie again and everything worked out as it should. The car is in BMW Heaven and I've learned a valuable lesson. Unfortunately, I still don't have a blog roll. But I will. That's my goal in 2009!
Now, about you and 'That Guy.' Why don't the two of you just get a room? And you know what's so funny? We've all wondered how to get into the secret room and now I know. I won't tell anyone (because I think a lot of the women at the Wild Onion might enjoy themselves too much), but I'll tell you something. I'M NOT STEPPING FOOT IN THE PLACE!!! You bunch of f****** degenerates. Do you think Russian women want to be objectified? No, they don't. And how do I know Mr. Science? Because I took a poll as they were walking through the hole in the wall.
Love ya as always. See ya on the freakin' cruise.
XO
;)
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