Tuesday, September 30, 2008

A Christmas Tradition...

With Leah reaching a record number of 61 comments at the Wild Onion, everyone drinking way too much beer, and our Jewish friends off on holiday, I decided to post. Why? Because the holiday season is upon us and was feeling a wee bit of envy that Leah, RC, etc., might be having all the fun. I walked into Target this morning only to be bombarded with Christmas lights and trinkets. Then I went to Walmart and did a double take. Wow, I thought! That's a lot of Christmas stuff. It's September for God sakes!

So...in an effort to get into the Jewish New Year, celebrate life, and see what the hell Santa's been up to, I give you this post.
Does Santa exist?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown Scientific Journal - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1)No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2)There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3)Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4)The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5)353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft's re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.Mmmm... but remember kids, when you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas...
P.S. Found the text while Googling late last night and laughed so hard I knew I had to share it with all of you. I'll give you the website if I'm able to find it again because it's hilarious. Lot's of funny Santa jokes and stories.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


The Broad Majestic Shannon - The Pogues
I think we need to raise the roof on this motherf!@#ker a little bit, it's just that kind of a day. So join me if you will for a hoedown featuring my favorite kind of Irish music--I'm throwing a Ceilidh--which I can do because after all not only am I part-Irish (hey, whadya want, my daddy was a rambling man), but I'm also a red-head, as you know now, through and through.

Now, just like we do at our Brooklyn home hootenanies, everyone needs to choose an instrument. I claim the fiddle, because after all that's my thing,

but the rest are up for grabs:

someone can borrow my superfly vintage Gibson mandolin--it's coming up on its 95th birthday--just don't bang it around too much in your drunkenness:

The humble pennywhistle:

and the all-important concertina:

the Irish flute:

tenor banjo:

and feel free to grab a set of Irish spoons or bones!

Grab your sheet music and a pint

and let's go!

p.s. anyone who's tired can just put their feet up, get drunk, and clap along.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Rolling out the Red Carpet

Time to roll out the Red Carpet
at the Cafe for the newest
award winner... Random Chick
(don't worry, I'll vacuum it every day)

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Once upon a time...

As you all know, once upon a time I owned a BMW. I lost her, but kept a treasure to remind me of her loyalty after the accident (no I didn't arrange anything for the photo, that's the way it looks every day. I've been looking for that paint brush). It's safely tucked in my office/studio. I looked long and hard at it today in an effort to remember the good old days, but mainly because the Mercedes has decided to misbehave and I needed comfort. The BMW is a sports car. Fast and powerful. The Mercedes is a luxury car, fast once it gets going, but very slow on the uptake! But what a gorgeous ride. Rob and I both fell in love with her immediately. I never thought I'd like an automatic, but wow, not shifting is a joy!!! The seats fit my body like a glove, the suspension is amazing, the ride pure pleasure...well, until today.

Rob is helping a homeless guy at the park with a legal issue (at my request of course!!!) and after reviewing and signing documents today, the envelop finally had to be plopped in the mail. I came home from the park, made copies of everything, then headed for the post office. The car was fine. I came out of the post office, got back in the car and it wasn't fine. It was making a very odd sound, had very little power, sounded as if I was driving a poorly maintained diesel (it's not a diesel) engine, and felt as if it would quit at any moment. I pulled off to a side road. Turned it off, started it again. Did that a number of times to no avail. I headed for home and swear to God, prayed. I didn't want to break down on Manzanita and cause traffic problems. I arrived home and called Rob (he's at his mom's) to come quickly. He was unable and besides, it wouldn't have helped. All the rental agencies close at noon and our Mercedes repair shop would NEVER be able to fit us in on such short notice. So when he arrives, if the problem hasn't resolved itself, it's off to the airport to rent a car. Is life ever simple?

I've tried to call my dad, but he isn't home. I'm wondering if it isn't the gas. I'd just put gas in the car. Maybe it had impurities. The Mercedes only takes premium gas and that's what I put in, but perhaps something went wrong. Or perhaps it has something to do with what happened about a week ago. Before leaving for the park I put two quarts of oil in and then headed out. On the way noticed a very offensive smell and white smoke behind my car for miles, and thought "God, someone's having serious car trouble. Poor soul." Then I noticed everywhere I went, the other car was following me, or beside me! "Get away, you stink!" I said out loud. I arrive at the park only to discover it was me. My poor car was billowing smoke. I knew what I'd done, but didn't have time to look because the kitties were waiting. I returned, open the hood, and yup, better than "A Leah!!!" I'd forgotten to put the cap on the oil tank. You know what that means, don't you? Those pistons were just throwing oil in all directions. Checked the oil. Not a drop left. Looked for the cap, but never expected to find it after 80 miles/hour, but there she was, tucked on a ledge! What a little cutie-pie! Got some oil at the nearest gas station. Had the engine, etc. power washed. Helped a whole lot, but still have a driveway covered with oil and kitty litter, and until today, still had and engine burning off oil. Then this!!! Hey! NOT FUNNY!!! Zack, you're as good as my Dad...have a thought!!!??? All the noise is in the back of the car. It's sputtering. Knocking. The car is actually shaking when it comes to a complete stop. Dad always says "Tell me exactly what it sounds like." So I'm good at that. That's what I hear.

Any help is appreciated and wish me luck!!! ;)


Friday, September 19, 2008

The Sexiest Breakfast

A bowl of steel-cut Irish oatmeal

with strawberries

and Bob's Ale.

I'm dishing, Bob's pouring.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

New Cafe Menu Item

I found this in Kansas City freshly brewed at Boulevard Brewing Company. I'm adding it to the Wild Onion Cafe drink menu.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


After being booted across town by the woman in the faux pink leather coat, ive built a slide just for her in the back of the cafe... heh heh...

Monday, September 15, 2008

Win Something

Hey guys--don't worry, I'll take this down soon--but I just wanted to remind all Wild Onion regulars to check out the contests at my blogs: HERE and HERE, and Cece's HERE.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Traumatized Cat

At Inner Voices' wild and zany party, one of Suzanne's sweet little kitties wandered in and was consequently traumatized by IV's bare butt. Poor kitty. Can someone help him out? Suzanne! What should we do??

Thursday, September 11, 2008


I got you this broken crane to fix because only you possess the super powers needed to fix it:

I also brought the Swedish Bikini Team who wanted to personally wish you a Happy, Happy Birthday! They are actually singing the song you are hearing now! Aren't they talented?

Here are some very friendly German girls I found wandering in a Walmart parking lot who want to buy you a beer (or two):

I also baked this cake all by myself...I have no idea where the scantily-clad Barbie dolls came from. They weren't on this cake when I finished baking it last night. OH NO!!! They are fighting over who gets to pin the tail on your donkey!!


Sorry Folks, but we have to Celebrate IV style!

Yes, Suzanne's bouquet down below is absolutely breath taking. So please don't forget to scroll down and look at it and read what she has to say. And then, a little bit below that you will find the "New Signs" I.V. installed while I was away. I'm going to have to keep a better eye on this place. But now I am back and we have to celebrate something very special today. Yes, it is the anniversary of 9/11. So let's have a moment of silence to remember all of those who lost their lives on that very solemn and horrific day in history. .............

Click here for more chilling photos of 9/11.

Now we must go back, several years later in history. I would say we need to go WAAAAAY back in history, but since I.V. is only a year OLDER than me (he he he)..... I won't. Today is his birthday. And we have to celebrate in I.V. style. So I have pulled out all of the stops and made this beautiful, fully functional birthday cake.

Did I put enough candles on it?

Ok now for the real food we have...... drum roll please............

I have even come up with a clever

You go Dog!

And last but not least, no birthday party would be a party without a happy birthday song. So, here's two. Check out Queen Goobs dancing in this first video!

So let's party boys and girl. No Holds Barred.


That's down below IV's dip-weed post.

How it ended up there I have no idea, but suspect because I started it days ago, it had no choice.

Oh, trust me, I tried everything.

Cut and paste.

Copy and paste.






Nothing worked.

It's still there.

Take a look.

It's a beautiful little bouquet and a gem of a post!


Just so you know young man, I was walking through the

kitchen and the stove clock read 12:01.

I said, out loud,


P.S. Just Bob posted birthday cake on my birthday blog!!!
Too funny!


we have installed some new signs here at the cafe for our reading challenged customers... enjoy!

for our non local clientele.

for our older customers... we have started selling various remedies asides from the usual.

um, just to mess with the drunks here... (do not touch the unhappy fish?!? wtf?)

more fun with drunks humor...

posted in the kitchen to remind the cooks exactly what is served here...

posted on the door of the girls room!!!

and posted on the door of the mens room...

this is a little help for the folks in the childrens play room... remember when we installed that room?!?

and finally ive hung this sign on the backdoor. that way people could take it anyway they pleased... have a new day folks!!!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Birthday Boy...

Yes, this is how my thought process works. You don't think this big head is empty. Do you?

Okay, I'm going to pick only flowers and plants with meaning. Ivy for...oh, rememberance! Hey, not funny.

Oh, and only white for purity, virginity, unity, etc. Yup. Had planned a gorgeous white bouquet, but nature did me under. Not a beautiful white bloom to be plucked. So then I thought, okay, I'll go with gender specific! All blue. Not enough blue in the garden. Okay, so...
I'll go with gender neutral!!! Okay, not enough neutral in the garden.

Okay, screw it, I'll just go with Heaven On Earth and enjoy every peachy moment. And yes my dear friend, that is what you are to all of us. I have no idea how we all ended up in this fabulous place, but we did and I'm grateful. I suspect we all are.
We all wish you the very happiest of birthdays and want you to know we love you. You are insane and we are grateful!!!! Life without you would be empty and pointless! Well...we could do without all the porn. Well...maybe not Cece!