Sunday, July 13, 2008


OK, now that I'm on the staff there's going to need to be some small changes around here. Granted this place is filled with women, but a few masculine knick-knacks couldn't hurt. It's definitely going to help a new bartender feel comfortable in his new surroundings. I know I'm amongst friends and all that mushy stuff, but I can't work in a place 24/7 with all of these lace curtains and potpourri in the wash rooms and not have a few necessities. So, I've taken upon myself to bring in some personal items to jazz the place up a little. I didn't run this past the boss, I hope she's fine with it. Here goes:

Dan Marino Autographed Helmet
Signed in-person at Dolphins Training Camp
many years ago

Lava Lamp
Nothing screams "FUN" more
than a lava lamp

Dogs Playing Poker Painting
It was either this or the velvet Elvis.
I know the ladies like animals so I went with this one.
BBQ Grill
Guys cook with fire.
I'm a guy (not much of one but a guy)
therefore I cook with fire.

Whoopie Cushion
A prerequisite for happy hour hijinks.


bindhiya said...

redecoration of the cafe and a new eye candy!
am so happy it is not one of those scary candidates we saw last time...
Great job Cece! Great Job Bob!

*where is everyone?

just bob said...

Thanks Bindi... I'm still scary (as you can see from the picture) but less creepy than the others.

Suzanne said...

Bindi!!! Welcome back our dear sick one. Hope you're feeling a bit better. Let me get you some tea and a scone. Can you stomach a scone honey? And what kind of tea would you like? I have tons of tea bags stashed in my pretty pink trench coat for you. I smuggled them out of India while training for the big race. ;) And yup, as you can see we got ourselves some new eye candy baby! Hellllllloooooooo Bobby! Thank God because Jorge has become a challenge, as you know. Cece promoted him to supervise Bob, so now he really does nothing (that lazy little *#$%#**), but unfortunately, we love him, so he's staying. Anything you want honey, just ask and we'll be at your service. And I KNOW BOB WON'T COOK MEAT WHEN YOU VISIT!!! Right Bob?

Bob, Bob, Bob...well look what the cat dragged in after a very long night. You seem pretty chipper. See what a bunch of women can do to boost your spirits!? And now you think you're gonna drag all the "stuff" in and mess with this place? How dare you offend us.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, just kiddin'!!! Haul it on in baby. Make the space your own, but just to alert you, anything you need or want at the Cafe is yours. Ask and you will recieve. For example, the expensive grill you just purchased. Return it. Say "I want a grill" at the Cafe and the next thing you know you have a grill and a gorgeous landscaped patio. That's how it works around here. Poof, it's magic. Cece was brilliant! Love the football helmet ~ don't return that baby. I'm looking forward to playing darts with Robyn. Being a Patriots fan I don't think I'll miss too often. ;)

Man, I have a mineral water hangover.

XO Blottie

Leah said...

Actually, Bob, I own two out of those five items (whoopee cushion and lava lamp, lol) and we're big on the Dolphins over here in Brooklyn; so far you're right on target.

Hi Bindi!!!! Hope you're feeling a bit better. We've missed you!...and I'll just ignore the insult to my other beautiful candidates... ; )

Hi Suzanne!

Cecile said...

Well, I'm not so sure about the Dolphins, but I love football, so I supose it can stay. All that stuff is great. Who doesn't love a lava lamp and get a laugh from a woopie cushion. And I like my shrimp grilled and my steaks medium well.(done enough to kill any parasites or bacteria.) Yep, make yourself at home. Suze,
I am leaving you in charge for a few days. I have to make a quick trip North. No, not Michigan North, just Misery, I mean Missouri north. I'll explain in a comment on my blog, because I want to keep things light here. Talk to everyone when I get back.

Robyn said...

*dragging in all hot and sweaty, barely making it to the bar stool*
Bartender...please slide me a HUGH glass of mineral water! Damn Bob! It is a scorcher today here in Sac! I have been taking the lightrail all over sactown today, trying to do my part, trying to change on carbon footprint! Damn it takes alot of work and sitting on the light rail at certain points of the day...had to sit next to some stanky people *Phew*

I even helped an ex-con who just got paroled who then in return wanted to hit on me...*geesh,rolling eyes* So much, for doing a good deed!

I am really needing a 'stiff' one after that last ride to Meadowview...straight up in the GHETTO! thank god my car was still sitting there! Spooked the crap out the surrounding youths when I auto started my car to get the air condition going! By the time I reached my car I was panting...literally!

*Looking around at the little touches of bobness around the Wild Onion* I like! Need more helmets like the Vikings and the Patriots! Ohhhh...and some golf stuff,too! Big golfer here! And yes the grill rocks but it needs to be SUPER HUGH! Love all that is new and shiney...!

Really Bob I need that stiff drink now...anything! Not too fu-fu either! I leave those for Suze. The true sissy lala in the group!

Leah! how goes it with your boy toys lately?! *wicked grin*

Suzanne said...

*Walks up to entrance, hikes dress up to ass and kicks saloon door open with Manolo Blahniks* Yup, found my heels ladies and gents! I'm dancin' tonight baby. Where the hell's Gig? Oh, and I'm wearin' my pretty black dress. I'll be over on the Macy's sofa if anyone wants to venture over, but first...

Bob...poor, poor Bob. You have your hands full with this crowd don't ya honey? *Sits fat ass down on bar stool, slams fist down (a la Inner Voice), "I'll have something to drink my good man." "What will it be Madam?" "I don't know and I don't care, but think I'll have what Robyn's having because it has a funny bone in it. And honey, can you throw some marinated veggies on the barbie doll for me? You find um, I'll turn um." Looks around, see's Dolphin's helmet and smiles. Oh, it's gonna be a fun night at the Wild Onion.*

just bob said...

Robyn dear... HUGH is a name, HUGE is an adjective. mixes up a tall, cold un-fu fu concotion and slides it down the bar to Robyn... Sounds like a nasty day in sactown. cranks down the a/c to arctic proportions... that will make you feel better. Sit a spell and unload your problems.

Can you believe Cecile left Suzanne in charge? That pink tricycle is going to be the death of me... but the trench coat is HOT don't you think?

just bob said...

mixes another un-fu fu concoction for Suzanne, but with an umbrella, and hand delivers it to the sofa...

So, Blottie, why the fancy duds on a Sunday night? That dress and heels ain't made for dart throwin'. The closest thing I've got to a veggie at the bar are these martini olives. I'll have to do some stocking up on Monday.

Suzanne said...

You obviously wrote this before I arrived. Oh, there's more. Much, much more. Good luck with that honey!!!

And yes, I'm always in charge when Cece leaves because I ran Brian's Cafe...alone. Trust me, I know how to run a business. And well, we only folded because Brian returned and was none to happy. Party pooper.

I'm going to win that damn race. I.V. is going to cheat the crap out of me, so I have to think on his level. Trust me, I'm prepared. He gave me that pink tricycle and it's going to be the death of him. Oh, and the pink trench coat...found it at Ross for $30! Sale of the century! And yes, HOT, HOT, HOT! Cuz when I'm wearin' it on a really hot day in Sacramento I almost feel like I'll pass out.

Love ya new bartender!

Suzanne said...

Thanks honey, I needed that. Oh and because my black dress and shoes are a legend here. I can throw darts in anything. (Can't I girls and boys?!) And because once in a while a gals gotta look pretty under the disco ball.

We'll stock the frig with some veggies because Bindi and I will never survive here without them. Oh, and some really good tea. We have a tea room you know. You really do have to familiarize yourself with this joint. Read the manual Boo. Yes, your nick name is Boo.

By the way, I LOVE OLIVES...but a woman can not live on olives alone.


Anonymous said...

*sneaks in and quickly puts the whoopee cushion under Suze's ass before she sits down*

*giggle hee hee*

Robyn said...

Ok...thank you for the spelling lesson dear Bob...but remember my brain was totally fried! *evil grin*

Ok...Suze, you must change up that little black dress dear one! I think I would like to see you in just some comfy jeans and boots! *pulling out darts**running hands down tight ass wranglers and puts shit kickers on table while plopping down on Macys couch*

* Bob the man the myth the legend!*
Can you bring me 3 shots of my boys...who you ask? Well of course Jose & Jack please! And how about grilling me up something from half of that cow you got there! Yummy!

*looking around...wondering where the hell is IV?!*

*once bob slides up with shots...I start sizing up the eye candy!*

Leah said...

Back to the Cafe--my girl is in karate camp till two, and I have some much-needed down time. I already had my oatmeal, so I'm just here for the coffee. Do I smell some brewing? My one remaining vice, so let's make it a good, strong pot!

Leah said...

While anyone is at it, check out the eye candy at Robyn's place!

Suzanne said...

Okay, I'm going to say this once and only once. I wear blue jeans, a white shirt and flip flops every freakin' day of my life (just look at all the photos on my blog...they're a variation on the same theme. It's "My signiture outfit," so cut me some slack here at the Onion. I get to live my fantasy and have fun. I love my black dress and heels and now I have a pretty pink trench coat too, so I don't want to go back to the norm. I can still throw a dart, peddle my tricycle, help out behind the bar, serve tea, pull back the lace curtians, help Leah with oatmeal, clean a bathroom, slice strawberries, warm up a crowd, dance with Gig, relax on the Macy's sofa, operate a backhoe if need be, hold a wine tasting or art exhibit and kick Jorges' ass all in my black dress and heels. And I might add, brilliantly.

However, I'm going to bow to pressure and wear blue jeans and a tee shirt only tonight (I may reconsider if I start winning at slops). But just be prepared. I don't wear "tight" jeans like Robyn because I'd go nutty. Easy-breezy ~ that's my style.


just bob said...

You wear what you want Suzanne. If a slinky black dress and heels makes you feel good then go for it. I'll wear my blue Hawaiian shirt tonight.

bindhiya said...

Dear Suze,
Thanks for the tea and scone..that was good.
and i love your outfit and shoes...& trench coat too..
I saw you are in let's throw all the meat out and stalk up veggies :))

Leah~ Sweetie, am sorry to insult your scary candidates...
am feeling a better....thanks for asking..

Bob ~ you doing a great job..

love you all

Robyn said...

*silently peeks in, to make sure Bob is distracted...runs quickly to bathroom with ruby red lipstick at the aim, gets in scribbles a note to Suze and Leah...."meet back here at 8pm for a slamming game of darts & Suze wear your little black number but lose the heels(afraid you might take out my eye or something with those high kicks...girly)and Leah bring your camera to capture Bob face when he sits on a whoppee cushion! Should prove to be pricelss"...then while Bob not looking hides Whoopee cushion under cushion on couch...leaves snickering*

Leah said...

I'll be there with my camera...

Robyn said...

*pushes back the lace....notices no one in the bar...wondering WTF? starts towards the bar...*
I am totally scratching my head I highly expect Bob my good man, to wait on me! Are you there....*looking down one way then other...*? Can someone get a drink around here??? *starting to reach for the whiskey bottle...*


*stumbles out of secret back room stinking of vanilla musk again, saddles up to bar and pour bob a shot from flask*

wots up bob? hows it going eh? nice stuff, can i borrow that lava lamp for a bit?the back room needs something like this!

*slides off bar stool and does the secret knock on the back wall, panel opens, techno rave music can be heard and disappears in the vanilla flavored haze*

Robyn said...

*tapping the wall trying to find the same panel that IV disappeared through to the techno music and vanilla smelling haze*

Suzanne said...

Wow...forgot I was in charge.

Where the hell's the new bartender? "Jorge get your lazy ass back here please and stop gazing at your gorgeous reflection in the disco ball, Robyn needs a drink (and don't give her the whiskey, she'll never get home on public transit and I'll kick her ass at darts to boot). And while you're at it, donate that side of beef to the needy and stock up on some veggies cuz Bindi's back and she's better than ever, and it looks like everyone need to lighten their load, including me. However she will have to learn the difference between "stalk" and "stock." That could get her in a bit of trouble one day if you know what I mean...explain the difference. Honey, can you take her a cup of tea and have a nice chat with her. I would, but I'm too busy whipping this damn place back into shape in Robyn's fancy little outfit from Brian's Cafe (found it hanging on the back of the bathroom door and couldn't resist!). "Bindi, I'll be over as soon as possible, but it might take awhile because I'm getting so many tips I can barely walk with all this weight. How did Robyn and Gig do it?" What a way to make a livin'!

Leah, I put on a pot of coffee. It's almost midnight, so that might be a problem, but drink all you like and I'll make a new pot in the morning if the bartender hasn't shown up. I'll also make a lovely, creamy bowl of oatmeal for you with sliced strawberries and a bit of brown sugar. If I have time, I'll sit and eat with you, but the way this shift is going, I'm not so sure I'm going to come up for air until next week. I can't believe the mess Cece left me. And will someone PLEASE get some flowers on the tables before this place looks like a man's bar?! I'd also like a Yoga class next door to sooth our savage stress ~ can some one look into that please? And I think we should also have a weaving room, so Leah can mend her sweaters.

And where the hell is IV? I know he's surfing because I've seen him over on Random Chick's blog. So what, he can't visit his own blog?!!!! Hey! Crossing arms and tapping foot "We don't have all day mister!" It's possible we don't rate. That would be a sad day...but we all know we do, so screw it! Remember when I couldn't even figure out how to put him on my blog roll!!! Now I can't imagine life without him, and I no longer have a blog roll! God, that's too funny.

Okay, it's time to go bye-bye. Take good care of this place while I'm away.

Love to all,

Bob, thanks. Well, thanks when ever the hell you show up. By the way, this isn't a part-time job buddy. But thanks for appreciating my wardrobe and giving me the go ahead. I was already going to take it, but it's nice to know the bartender approves!

Suzanne said...

Took me so long to write that damn thing IV and Robyn showed up before me!

I always forget about the secret back room and the lovely scent of vanilla. I.V., you poured a shot for me. I'm Bob tonight. Didn't you notice my beautiful outfit and smile. (I noticed you didn't leave a tip.) Good Lord, you need to come out of the smoke. If I look like Bob, I'm in bad need of a sex change.

Nice to have you back sweetie.


Skeeter said...

That is a lot of cool stuff. If it was me I think I would to have had something with a Denver Broncos logo on it somewhere. Several University of Oklahoma commemoratives always make a place look just ... spiffy!

Best wishes,

Robyn said...

*runs behind Suze and twirls her around...making sure the wee bit of cloth that was my old outfit doesn't expose too much...just damn happy someone else is here*
I will take some decaf Suze...with some nonfat foaming milk...heck just give me a nonfat/decaf latte...PLEASE! Because I still believe in the magic words!

So, suze where is BOB?! He a no-show, hhhmmmfff...already and what is it day #3-4?! can't find good help anymore...well hell he is damn hard working...but with him wearing so many hats I am sure he is just confused with where he is to be tonight?! LOL!
I don't care now...I have someone here to hang out...since Zack went trolling! Shoot I tried to go trolling but that damn panel shut already.

Love the flowers around here...nice to see Skeeter in here too! YEA! I am on happy camper my drink and playing darts with Suze but missing the 'eye candy who works behind the bar'!

*is smiling from ear to happy as pig in a mud puddle, tucks a gerber daisy behind ear*

Leah said...

Good morning all! I fell asleep last night and missed darts, damn. I'm off to meet a friend for coffee--wish I could bring her to the Cafe--

just bob said...

Gee... this job never ends. I leave for two minutes to answer nature's call and Suzanne and Robyn have turned the place upside down. No wonder Jorge is always in a surly mood.

...still smiling has he makes another pot of coffee, tea for Bindi, and puts the veggies away


*pops back out of the "clothing optional" portion of the cafe to get a cup of coffee*

howdy folks, anybody know where the kaluhua is?

Robyn said...

*standing watching IV streak across the cafe...laughing to self*
Good afternoon everyone...missed breakfast passed out on the couch last night!
*strolls up to the bar...looks at Bob putting way the veggies*
Bob...could you grill me a super duper, I am starving and a good burger will cure this hangover, for sure!
*slides shades to block bright sunshine streaming into cafe...waits as Bob brings over a glass of water and 2 aleve*
Thanks always know what a girl needs!
*pulls down shades on nose and smiles and winks at Bob...*

Suzanne said...

Okay, Brian's done a brilliant job as expected, Robyn's still here on the Macy's sofa, I.V. just ran by and I think I detected a third leg, the gerber daisy is on every table as Cece requested, Zack, the Kaluhua is behind the bar with all those other bottles. They're file alphabetically, so look under "C" for coffee, Bindi's back, we have lots of veggies, Peter is still in Russia, but somehow managed to insult my butt...

Ahhhhhhhhh, life is perfect. I'm going to dance. *Goes to lady's room, slinks into black dress and sling back heels and heads to disco room...GIG, where are you baby?!!!*


Suzanne said...

Oh, and Jorge is always in a surly mood. Nothin' to do with us baby. He was born that way.

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. God.

I leave for vacation and Bob takes over! WTF!?

Suzanne, are you allowing this? Cecile! What's going on around here?! I'm gonna have to throw in some girlie girlie stuff to balance things out again...