Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Sugar Butt

Denizens of the Wild Onion Cafe, I believe it's time to bring some fresh blood to the staff here. I put the word out for a new bartender, and the response has been extraordinary, the initial competition fierce. However, I took the liberty of winnowing down the selection from hundreds to these choice few, for your perusal and approval. Let's vote in our new Sugar Butt. We need someone who is attractive, responsible, and can go with the flow, handle the pressure of our busy cafe while still maintaining a cheery demeanor. Most of all, they should possess that certain indefinable something--that essence of Sugar Butt--

Without further ado, I give you the candidates:


Severus--all he has to offer is absinthe, but he's promised me he'll administer spankings in the back room in exchange for a nice tip:




Stanley--sure he's sporting the birth control glasses, but he'll be your confidante, as he's been mine, and he'll always call you "pussycat."



Allan and Dirk--they come as a pair, or not at all, but they'll split the salary. Two words for you good people: Eye. Candy. And as a bonus, they smell of Hai Karate:



Frank--although he might be like a bull in a china shop amongst the good liquor, his armpits reek, and he is admittedly a bit unintelligible, I just know he'll keep people in line, and I'm sure you recognize just how important that is in a Wild Onion employee:



And finally,

Sugarbutt--her actual given name is Sugarbutt. She's a naturist, and very friendly:




Well, my friends, who is it going to be?

25 comments:

Suzanne said...

Well, I know who the guys are picking, cuz that is some pretty Sugar Butt. I on the other hand had to really search my soul for this one.

Severus scares the hell out of me. Be gone with him.

Stanley could be a hoot.

Frank looks good in the little photo, but when I blew him up, he scared the hell out of me.

I can't pick Sugar Butt because how would the ladies get serviced. Not that I have anything against that (like Jerry Seinfeld).

So by default it's Allan and Dirk. No, none of us will get serviced, but we'll laugh our asses off trying!

Jorge will be promoted, right? To what?

XO

Leah said...

Hi Suzanne! I guess Sugar Butt needs some supervision right? S/he's gotta learn the ropes, so Jorge could be the Head Bartender, I'm sure he wouldn't say no to a bit of a pay raise...although who knows how kindly he'll take to Sugar Butt...

Suzanne said...

Unfortunately Leah, I don't think Jorge actually gets paid (Cece, does he get paid?), but know he'd love to be the "Head Bartender" and boss everyone around. He's already bossy.

**Jorge, drinks all around my dear man. Get them yourself you lazy b*$#&.** See, that's what I'm talkin' about. Why pay for that sort of attitude, so let's promote him instead!!!

Honey, who do you want to win the Sugar Butt Contest?

Leah said...

Well, I do favor my boyfriend, but maybe I don't want to share the spankings...I think I like Allan and Dirk...

Suzanne said...

You like that kinda stuff? Who knew? Certainly not me. Zack probably. Yup, I'm going with "The Boys" too. They're cute and you know they're gonna be funny. Oh, and we might finally get the place decorated properly.

XO

just bob said...

Ass and taro leaves for Leah...

kylie said...

on aesthetic merit alone it has to be sugar butt
inspired post leah

Leah said...

Bob, I do appreciate your sensitivity to my fetish, thank you very much!

You know, Sgt. Pepper took a look at the candidates, and he remarked that Allan and Dirk are probably recently retired porn stars...does that make them more or less desirable?

bindhiya said...

OMG!
with all these new candidates cafe looks scary...
Chinese dragon is better cause it is just a sculpture :))

love you all
bindi

Skeeter said...

Well, since the position(s) have been filled already, there won't be any need for an application.

Kookaburra said...

Hmmm. I'm sure that I've met her before somewhere...

Kookaburra said...

Sugar. Ah honey. honey. You are my candy girl. And you got me wanting you. Honey. Ah sugar,sugar. You are my candy girl. And you got me wanting you ...

Leah said...

Hey Skeeter, who said the position is filled? Throw your hand! Who knows, maybe you're a Sugar Butt too!

@Mark--I'm starting to think Sugarbutt, if she's hired, is gonna need some clothes...

Cecile said...

Skeeter, submit us your pic and if it is sweet enough, you might have the job. I'm not sure if I like any of the applicants. Severus wouldn't give us very cheery service. "Here's your drink," with a hiss and a scowl, said Severus.

Allan and Dirk tried to talk me into a three way, and Frank just stood there and grunted. (Although Frank does have some pretty tight abs.)

I'm afraid we would all give Stanley a heart attack.

And Sugar Butt? Although she does have a sweet ass, I'm afraid we would have to get a strippers license just to employ her. lol.

As for Jorge's pay, He lives here at the cafe, so we feed and house him. What more could the man ask for?

Leah said...

Cecile, you crack me up girl.

Suzanne said...

AND THE HAMMER GOES DOWN.

That's my girl!!! You're the best owner a joint could have. And I agree, if Skeeter's photo and application are up to snuff, Skeeter it is my dear woman!!! Plus, do you all realize we'd have a resident food critic too boot? I bet he could turn this place around and get us in Gourmet magazine and all the rest. Maybe even on the Food Network (we'd have to keep the rift-raft out the day of filming however...aka, no IV in a trench coat), but best of all he'd be a gentleman:

"Suze, can I get you anything honey?"
"No baby~cakes, that's okay, I'll get it myself, cuz I wouldn't want you to strain your riggin', but sweetie~pie, can you help me find my shoes?" And Puddin' what would you suggest I do with Meyer Lemon Infused Olive Oil at $15 a pop (16.9 fl. oz) from the award winning Asti Olive Oil Co in Santa Rosa, CA), herb goat cheese, cocktail tomatoes, scallions, a bit of pasta and a handful of basil?"

Yup he's our man if he accepts the offer. I suggest you also beg like a m*&$%# f*#$#&. I don't think Leah should be in charge of what she's in charge of. Leah, honey, perhaps you should be in the Ad Department. I'll be the Art Director and you write copy (we'll both demand equal pay and probably receive absolutely nothing). We'll be the greatest team since Dean and Martin. You yank um in with words, me with pictures. This Cafe is going to be one hell-of-a-hit. Oh, that's right. It already is. Okay, it's going to be one hell-of-a-hit better.

XO

P.S. And I hear Marilyn's making an appearance August 8th!

Leah said...

You didn't care for my lovely array of candidates? Hmmm...maybe I do have to rethink my sois-disant position as a bootleg human resources sub-director...I think it was all just a ploy to get my boyfriend Severus hired anyway, as I'm not able to spend any quality time with him here in Brooklyn...

Miss S, I love it--I'm happy to do copy--xo

Suzanne said...

You've gotta be kiddin' me. That's your boyfriend? Okay, don't stop by Rhinebeck on your way to the lake because honey, I don't think I can accomodate you, the whip, and whatever else you have hiding behind your back. You are so nasty. How am I going to take you to the coffee shop with that thing sparking all over the place? This is a small town and everyone remembers. I'll never live it down. I'll be the woman from CA who moved back to NY and attracted "That Woman." I'm screwed.

XO

Kookaburra said...

@Leah,
Not fair!!
How am i gonna recognise SugarButt with clothes on ???
Will you be providing a name tag??

Cecile said...

Kookie Bear. Be have before I spank your Sugar butt. What would Jo think?

Leah, sorry to shoot your ideas down, but if Severus is interested he could come in a couple of nights a week and put on a magic show for the kiddies. You know, make warts grow on their noses, turn crickets into frogs, that sort of thing. The kids will eat it up.

Gig said...

*sneaks out from behind beads, shakes head at the new "eye candy" applicants...wondering which one to pick...oh, me thinks we need to keep looking*

*Slams hand down on bar, demands a round of Lemon drops for everyone...Jorge says "no problem, I will get right on it", I slowly turn to Cece...what the f*&%$*, got into him?!*

Maybe he knows he is up for a promotion...

Peter said...

*pops a bedraggled head around the door to have a butcher's at the line-up*

I have a few observations, my good ladies and gents.
I hate to say it, but Leah, surely your boyfriend is no longer with us? I'm not sure I like the idea of a ghost behind the door.....

I think I've seen Allan and Dirk somewhere before......

I'm not sure I'd like to be served by a big, sugary butt either.

Nope - don't like the candidates.

NEXT!

*slinks off to the unknown room, visible only to Peter*

Joyful Jo said...

aha!! Mark, found you out. You shouldn't have a guilty look on your face when i said i haven't been to the wild onion cafe for a while, so naturally i looked.

Leah said...

Hi Jo! We haven't met yet! Alas, I'm the one responsible for the butt; I just showed this post to my husband--I swear, he would have that last picture framed and hung over the fireplace if he could!

Suzanne said...

Jo, Jo, Jo...Leah, Leah, Leah...why is life so hard and why do men stray? I don't know, but I want to go back to school to research!!! I'll let you know as soon as I have the answer.

XO