Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Bail Out Story.

Ok first off, you all need a little back ground information before you fully appreciate this story. I have a crazy neighbor. Just ask Suzanne. She's heard crazy neighbor stories before. Anyway, "Crazy Neighbor has a car. The car is in her dead mother's name. The licence plate expired on her car back in about May. Crazy Neighbor for some reason or another is not able to renew the tags. I am guessing it is because the car is in her dead mother's name. Well, Crazy Neighbor has been pulled over several times and given several tickets due to the fact that she has no license plate on her car. She has been pulled over so many times that she was required to appear in court. Which we took her too. Well, she failed to pay one of her fines, and a warrant was put out for her arrest. On Tuesday, I get a phone call. It is Crazy Neighbor. She is sobbing hysterically and trying to tell me that she has been pulled over by a cop.

Because of the warrant, they are going to arrest her. She has her Bichon Frise, Molly, with her, and she needs someone to come up and pick up the dog or they are going to call Animal Control. I tell her I will be right there, and I go to get the dog.
I get there, and she tells me that her married boyfriend has agreed to meet me someplace to give me the money to bail her out of jail. She gives me a phone number in which to call this guy to arrange a meeting place to get the money. After she has been carted off to jail, I attempt to call the number. Unfortunately I am one digit too short to have the workable number.
So I travel to the police department, and I get the correct number to call the married boyfriend. I meet him in the parking lot of the local hospital and he secretly passed a $100 bill into my window. It feels like a drug deal going down. He is looking all around for spying eyes. After a brief conversation, I travel, with dog in lap, back to the police department. Much to my surprise, I find out that it isn't a simple $100 to bail her out. Instead it is $385. Unable to obtain anymore money from the married boyfriend, I proceed to my bank and with draw enough cash to bail out my broke, crazy neighbor.

But waisting 2 hours of my time, and $285 of my money was not enough for her. She wanted me to first take her to Wal-mart so that she could grocery shop, and then take her back to her car so that she could DRIVE IT HOME. I was flabbergasted. "You're driving your car home? What if the cops are watching it and waiting for you to do just that," I ask incredulously. "Well, I can't leave it there." was her astonished reply. I just shook my head and took her to Wal-Mart and then back to her car. I followed her home, and luckily we made it back without incident. I told her that I would not bail her out again. She has paid half of the money back, with the rest coming hopefully in the next 24 hours. And that is the "Bail Out" story. So my question to you all. What to you do when you have a crazy women who lives two houses down from you that has attached herself to you and is not able to function in society like this woman? How do I cut the apron strings that should not be attached to this woman and myself without causing even more mental damage? And how do I do this safely without causing harm to myself and my family? Suggestions anyone???????


just bob said...

At least your bail-out didn't cost $700-billion.

Megan said...

I hate to say this, Cece, but at some point you are just going to have to let her sink or swim.

Tough love!!!

Skeeter said...

Nancy Reagan said it best dear. Just say NO!!!

Best wishes,


Leah said...

OMG, she's a piece of work. All you need to say is you're busy/frazzled/saving money to pay your own bills/grieving (and this one is darn true) to help out either financially or physically. Smile ruefully and laugh a bit as you deliver this piece of're sorry but...

As long as you keep it friendly but vague, very vague, you'll be fine. Repeat after me: F-F-V-D: Friendly, Firm, Vague, Detached. It's your new mantra where this lady is concerned.

Now all that said, that is one hilarious rock n' roll story and well told. Plus, I think that cop is the stripper from my bachelorette party!


Practically Joe said...

This is why I don't often leave the house to talk with many of my neighbors.
I don't venture out for friendship any further than the houses next to us on the left and right. The people two doors down are their neighbors.
See ... you went too far down the street.

Plus ... you know too much about the crazy lady ... and you now helped out of a fix ... and you lended her money ... and you know the secret of her affair ... and you met the married man she's involved with ... and you baby-sat the dog.

You might as well just consider her family now.

FYI ... There's a house three doors down from mine for sale at a really good price ... just don't expect me coming over with a welcome basket.

Queen Goob said...

F-F-V-D….sounds like an STD. funny!!!

Okay, it’s easy for the strong-willed and cold-hearted people to tell you to “just say no” BUT not so easy when you are one of the group that at birth the Angel Gabrielle chose to tattoo the word “sucker” on our foreheads, right?

Here’s how you do it.

1. Caller ID is your friend. If you see her number on your home or cell phone DON’T ANSWER.
2. Never, and I mean NEVER answer your door if she is on the other side. In today’s technological society, how many people knock on our door anymore? Yup, only the crazy neighbors.
3. When you drive by and she is out in her yard, pretend you don’t see her and drive on by. Do not glance her way – do not wave at her – if she starts running toward the road looking as if she wants to wave you down do NOT pull into your driveway. Drive by your house and circle the block a time or two before returning home. This should give her the illusion that you are not coming back anytime soon.
4. You’re a professor, correct? Educate the children on the consequences of answering the phone, opening the door, or stopping to chit-chat with crazy neighbor lady. Repeat after me, “KIDS? These are the rules, these are the consequences, do NOT make me go there or you will be scared for life.”

That’s it; four easy step to eliminating the pesky bichon owning crazy neighbor lady. But don’t start these tactics until you get the rest of your money back.

Cece said...

I got half of the money back. But I must go on the record by saying, I didn't venture two houses down. The problem came to me last year. I was hanging Christmas lights on my house one Saturday evening when she came by walking her dog. She stopped to say hello, and then proceeded to tell me her entire life's story. I felt sorry for her. (I'm soft hearted, if you haven't guessed by now.) So I invited her inside for a piece of pumpkin pie. Cursed, cursed pumpkin pie. And that is how I met Crazy Neighbor.

Cece said...

And trust me when I tell you, this is just one of many storied I could tell about Crazy Neighbor. I think I could write a comedy about this woman.

Queen Goob said...


Suzanne said...

Wow, you're a professor too??!!! Tell me Mrs. Science, how do you fit that into your busy schedule?

Well I'm SO HARD because...whoops, left out LAUGHING! Now I'm laughing harder. I'm LAUGHING SO HARD because I almost consider Crazy Neighbor a dear friend at this point in our relationship and because the bail out story is too funny (Rob's going to get a kick out of it). Even funnier are the comments because the Wild Onion Cafe Gang isn't familiar with Crazy Neighbor yet. For instance, they aren't aware she just walks right in the house. Kick her out the front door, she'll be in the back, lock both doors, she'll find an unlocked window, lock all the windows, she'll slide down the chimney in a Santa outfit. The dogs don't like her. They snarl, bark, growl and show lots of teeth, but she doesn't care, she just tells the boys to keep them at bay and walks right through the back door and clings to the wall until she reaches safety. Oh, there's more. Lot's more! Cece, perhaps you should do the honors! One question. What fool idiot thinks he can bail out a mistress anywhere in the U.S. for $100?! Moron. I think you should go kick his ass. Oh, and while you're shaking him down for the extra loot, give him one good swift kick for me for cheating on his wife. And make it matter.

F.F.V.D. I don't think that's going to work Leah! I'm still laughing too hard. The woman's relentless. Oh, and there's the "gun story" too (Why does everyone in Arkansas own a gun Cece?! Oh, and if someone doesn't have one of their own, a kind gent or lady will always lend one of their "extras!")!!! Cece, forgive me. You know I'm dying here! I'd be on the floor by now if I didn't have to type this damn thing. (Man that's a long paragraph. I should have had a new one eons ago. Forgive me, too lazy.)

I like Joe's advice: Become a hermit! Yup, just climb right in the aquarium with your crab. (Yes, it's true, they have a hermit crab.)

I like Goob's advice: 4 Easy Steps to Freedom (What? Of course I'm laughing!!!).

I like everyone's advice. Will any of it work? NOPE!!! And you know why? Because Crazy Neighbor is hangin' on to your leg for dear life and you'll be draggin' her around and limpin' for probably the rest of your life. Or hers! Good luck with that sweetie. ;)

I know this is a difficult time for you, but you're a very, very generous woman. May Leah and I please have the "Officer" stop by the Wild Onion for a drink and perhaps a bit of entertainment? I think I hear an "Amen" from the female congretation.

Love you baby! Sorry about your per-dick-a-ment! You'll survive this one like all the rest. Then brace yourself for the next. Honestly, I'm hoping she screws up again and does some time, then Molly can come live with you! The boys will be so happy cuz she's a cutie! *Cece's eyes roll back in her head.*

XO Blottie ;)

Suzanne said...

Hell, I haven't even read your responses. They came in while I was trying to type my comment. Damn woman, now I may have to write an addendum. Damn you. Okay, I'm off to read them, but trust me, this is taking away from laundry time and loading the dishwasher time. Damn you.

Suzanne said...

Okay, I'm dying here!!! My favorite comment:

"And trust me when I tell you, this is just one of many storied I could tell about Crazy Neighbor. I think I could write a comedy about this woman." I said the same thing in my comment (did you notice!!!???) because I know what you deal with and it's hilarious. You should write a play. It would be an absolute hoot. I'll tell you something funny. I read Skeeters comment and couldn't stop laughing. "Just say no." Yup, that should work honey!!! I can hardly wait for Rob to read all of this. He may respond!

I will always remember the "gun" thing. When Rob woke up the next day he was so worried he called you. Yup, I'm laughing. I imagine you are too.

Love you my dear, dear friend. Hang in there. Thanksgiving is almost upon us and I can smell your amazing pumpkin pie. Here she comes! Next year, try apple.


Megan said...

Now I am starting to wonder ezzzacly where Cece lives and could it possibly be on the same block as my crazy aunt?

I mean, I know she's wandering around up there somewhere...

Suzanne said...

Megan, that's too funny. I have the address. Want it? Sorry Cece, I'm givin' it out like Halloween candy!!!


Suzanne said...

Well I'm here because Gig said she was coming here. What a little liar. Well, I know it's too late for anyone to show up so I'll grab something and pass out on the Macy's sofa. But before I do I have to tell Leah I called once (and left a message), but not twice. I don't know who the hell she told off, but it wasn't me!!! New Yorkers. Jeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzz.

Suzanne said...

Leah said I sound really "sweet." Is that precious, or what!!!??? Cece, do I sound sweet when I pick up the phone? I seem to recall "Yea, what the hell do you want." Apparently she caught me on a good day!

I notice the end of this comment page is all about Blottie. It's stupid funny. Will someone please pipe in because this is ridiculous. I can't be the only one with nothing better to do at 1:15 in the morning. Please. Okay, this deserves a quote from Your Personal Guide To The Future ~ Leo, page 14, paragraph 2:

"Gemini governs (yeah, tell me about it, Rob's a Gemini) your solar 11th house of friendship and humanitarian concerns. This suggests that you enjoy cultivating a wide and diverse circle of friends who love life as much as you do. Although you don't have any specific criteria for friendship, you perfer to spend time with upbeat, optimistic people."

Perhaps one of you will show up.


Cece said...

Crazy Neighbor stepped on a tea cup and cut her foot open on Friday. Her neighbor across the street flagged HB down and was concerned about Crazy's dogs. Then proceeded to tell HB several more crazy things about Crazy Neighbor. We are now afraid to eat anything she brings to our house. She called me at almost 10pm on Friday telling me that she was still at the E.R., but she was ok. It took 7 stitches to sew her foot up, she also said that she was tired hungry and in pain. I wasn't quite sure where the conversation was going, but I pretty much figured she wanted me to come a get her and bring her home. I told her I was asleep when she called because I had to work on Saturday. I also told her that I was not able to come get her because I had taken a sleeping pill. And HB had consumed a few beer, so he was not able to drive. She proceeded to tell me that she would ask me to do that anyway. And then in the same breath told me that she had called everyone else that she knows and no one would answer their phone. She didn't quite know how she was going to get home. I suggested that she call a cab and ended the conversation with a yawn. Yesterday, HB turned his phone off so that she would not call him and ask him for help, instead she showed up at our door. She came to tell him that she was o.k, but then whinned about her situation. She then asked him if he would take her perscription to the pharmacy and get it filled for her. He told her no. He was at home alone with the kids, and he didn't want to drag them into town. (although he did take them to Wal-Mart later. he he) She came over yet again yesterday evening to bring us some freshly baked cookies. And like I said before, due to recent information given to us, we were fearful to eat them. So the were fed to the garbage disposal after she was a safe distance from the house. But we are starting to take a few steps to breaking the independence cycle. Hopefully through baby steps of intervention we will be free of her. Either that or she won't be able to come up with the $1200 dollars for her rent at the end of the month and will have to move. (yes that is her altimatum from her landlord.) I just hope she comes up with the other $160 that she still owes me first.

Gig said...

That is one Crazy Neighbor!!! I think you should write a poem about her...

I think you are doing good with letting C.N. find her own way. Keep up the good job!!

Hey Suze,
Sorry bout that, but I fell asleep before I could make it to the Macy sofa, I will try to get back here later tonight. love ya!


just bob said...

Be afraid... be very afraid.

Suzanne said...


Well you're using the tough love Megan suggested. Didn't think you had it in you. Wow! Honestly, I hope she comes up with the money for rent because I worry about the dog.

When you have a few free minutes can you please email RC's phone number. She wants me to call and suggested I get the phone number from you. So "you" I need the phone number!

Love you darling. So glad things are looking up!!!


Suzanne said...


So it's official, we have a date under the disco ball tonight?! Okay, I'm going to trust you'll show up this time. I'll be there with pajamas on! You buyin'? If you don't show up I'm yankin' your "Get past go free" card. That's my new rule. Shhhhhhhhhhhh, don't tell Cece.

Love you too.

Suzanne said...


Here's a suggestion, get an unlisted number and move.


Gig said...

"Hey!! Who moved the Disco Ball?"
I swear I.V. must be here somewhere moving everything around...damn I'll never find Suze now!

*opens "new" door, smoke rolls out, slams door.*
Wow, must be the the new "smoking room".

Well Suze, I am going to try and find my way to the Bar for a cold one, join me there...Cece is buying, but don't leave any tire tracks, ok?
Gig, xoxoxo

just bob said...

The Red Sox lost, so I'm here to drown my sorrows. I'll be serving and drinking, but don't expect me to dance :(

Suzanne said...

I was laying on the sofa when I woke up, heard a home run, then the tv unceremoniously turned off and classicial music start to play. Poor Red Sox. Rob never uttered a single word. So I decided to roll out of bed (yes, I call my sofa my bed sometimes) and haul my butt over here for a cold one on my other sofa. You still here Bob? I'm sure darling Gig is long gone, but at least she showed up as promised. Thanks Giggie!

Bob, did you know we have a smoking room? I don't think I want a smoking room. Too much pollution. I don't own this joint, but I'm closing it. The Cafe is officially NON-SMOKING. If you have any questions see the semi-nude (I'm in my nightgown) upper management. I'm management, right Cece? And I'm up, that makes me upper, right?

Oh, and don't screw with me and I'll tell you why. When I walked into my sculpture studio at UCLA the first day kids were smoking in class. I was livid. I went to the Chair of the department during break and told him it was "absolutely unacceptable." Nothing was done. Went to another art studio, same thing. I bitched until I was blue the first week, then I called the LA Times and the Daily Bruin. Both interested!!! Yup, big write-up in the Sunday LA Time and the Bruin. God it was great. But my darling Henry Hopkins (Chair of the Dept. and head of the Armand Hammer Museum) lied to the Times to cover his ass. I was SO PISSED I stormed his office, tore him a new one and demanded an apology. And that's how he and I became dear friends, and how UCLA and all UC campuses became non-smoking because the CA Regents got involved. Oh yeah, it was big time news!!! Yup one person can make a difference.

I don't usually drink beer, but I think I'll have one.


just bob said...

I'm cool with the whole non-smoking thing. And if you're going to be semi-nude, at least put on your pink trench coat before coming in here. After all, it is a semi-family friendly Cafe!

Suzanne said...

*Puts $300 pink trenchcoat on over $8 Walmart nightgown and rolls eyes in back of head..."Dude, you didn't even mention my LA Times article. I'm famous. You can Google me!!!"* I need a beer, but only drink the best. Something Canadian or German please.

XO ;)

just bob said...

You were already famous in my eyes Blottie... no need to Google you.

Suzanne said...

Thanks baby. I'm going to have to marry you, you know!!! Now, can I get a beer?!!! Bob, you want to know something really, really funny, I've listened to the CC video so much that the music is part of my everyday life. Yup, it's actually my background music!! That's just stupid funny. And true!!!

Suzanne said...

You see that check? He missed. I saw it and asked Rob to double check. He said "Yup, a good player always knows how to avoid it." It looks nasty, but it's not. Just skimmed right off him! You see that?